Conversations with men...(an ongoing saga)
Here's my deal.
For the 20 years that I have been dating (with years off for relationships and inactivity), there has been one constant:
I always end up driving 30-50 miles out of my way to meet a stranger who is not as tall as he said he was and who proceeds to talk about himself for 2-3 hours.
Seriously.
I can take YEARS off from dating (such as the last 2 years that I have not bothered or even found myself interested in a human being of any gender outside of Andrew Garfield and Richard Armitage but I digress), and, within 3 days of putting up an online profile, find myself at a Starbucks in Woodland Hills listening to some jackass who works part-time and lives with his mother tell me all about the type of women he likes/dislikes.
Seriously.
This dude did come up for air every once in awhile to pepper me with insanely personal questions that NO ONE is going to give answers to while sitting at the Starbucks patio breathing in exhaust fumes from cars racing along Ventura Blvd and also exiting/entering this very popular mini-mall. And, of course, every question was so intensely discomforting that once one is able to give an answer and, god forbid, starts to actually begin a discourse on the topic, one is then interrupted by this jackass who isn't listening and just wants to go back to talking about himself.
Here is a sampling of the questions he fired at me thinking he'd get a conversation going(?), learn something about me, or just irritate me:
1.) "I'm playing the stock market a lot. I'm watching a lot of "Closing Bell". You know the stock market? Yeah, you do? So what do you invest in? What you don't play the stock market? What do you do with your money? Just throw it in IRA?"
Seriously.
First of all, I have a 401K, asshole, but, second, my fucking retirement plans are NONE of your business. Also, I am allowed to know about stock market and the show, "Closing Bell", without, you know liking the stock market, playing the stock market, or having the slightest bit of interest.
(I would like to point out that in #1 above, that is pretty much how he asked questions, I would barely have time to utter an answer when he would interrupt, answer for me, and then say something idiotic)
2.) "Tell me some golden nuggets of things you've learned from men. There must be some positive experiences that you've had with men."
Seriously.
First of all, I could list MANY positive experiences I've had with men. I've been dating for 20 years. It hasn't all been bad, but why would I want to sit in the darkening, cold weather NOT drinking a glass of wine or a cocktail and tell you how much my last boyfriend taught me about oral sex? Or my very first boyfriend taught me about how to manipulate & abuse a woman? That's just not happening. I will tell you something like that maybe six months into a relationship. Maybe never. I don't talk about exes with men because no one CARES. It's the past.
(by the way, this was just an excuse for him to tell me his three golden nuggets which all seemed to involve how awesome a man he is)
3.) "I belong to some alternative websites. Some fetish websites? Have you ever heard of fetish websites? I used to hang out at fetish clubs in Hollywood? Did you ever hang out at fetish clubs in Hollywood?"
Seriously.
WHY would you tell someone this 10 minutes into her pumpkin spice latte (that she bought for herself, BUCKO!), and, once you receive the negative response, WHY would you continue to talk about this? I'm 39 years old. I'm too old to deal with fetish people, plushies & furries, smooshers, pony players. I don't care what you do with your sex life, but don't involve me in your stuff. I just want to get laid.
4.) And this was the doozy people...he asked if we could HOLD each other so he could feel my vibe. I said no. He said why. I said because I don't like to be commanded to do anything. He then waited 10 minutes, scooted his chair over to my chair, and wrapped his arms around me.
Seriously.
If you like total strangers wanting to hold you so they can gauge whether you make them hard or not, you are a better woman than I. I, personally, like to hug my friends and lovers, once I feel close to them. Hell, I'll hug a dude sitting next to me at the bar if I feel a kinship with him (and after a couple of drinks, who doesn't feel kinship?). But I do not perform on command. Much like being told to "Ask me questions", "Tell me a story" - both statements also made by this jackass, being "held" without it happening naturally is just wrong and a crossing of boundaries.
5. I don't know if my last item should be that he demanded to know 'what I am' the moment I sat down and wouldn't back off even when I asked him why it mattered or that he assured me that I was "gorgeous" in a manner of someone soothing an insecure woman which I am categorically not. While both those actions were irritating, I probably would have been able to move on and enjoyed the 3 HOURS I had to spend sitting outside the Starbucks if he had just once...once...actually listened to me.
So this is now my number one criteria when looking for a man.
He must be able to listen.
Also, he must not be a fetishist, a cheapskate, living his mother, and self-centered.
Oh, and, dude, you are not 6'1.
Not even close.
For the 20 years that I have been dating (with years off for relationships and inactivity), there has been one constant:
I always end up driving 30-50 miles out of my way to meet a stranger who is not as tall as he said he was and who proceeds to talk about himself for 2-3 hours.
Seriously.
I can take YEARS off from dating (such as the last 2 years that I have not bothered or even found myself interested in a human being of any gender outside of Andrew Garfield and Richard Armitage but I digress), and, within 3 days of putting up an online profile, find myself at a Starbucks in Woodland Hills listening to some jackass who works part-time and lives with his mother tell me all about the type of women he likes/dislikes.
Seriously.
This dude did come up for air every once in awhile to pepper me with insanely personal questions that NO ONE is going to give answers to while sitting at the Starbucks patio breathing in exhaust fumes from cars racing along Ventura Blvd and also exiting/entering this very popular mini-mall. And, of course, every question was so intensely discomforting that once one is able to give an answer and, god forbid, starts to actually begin a discourse on the topic, one is then interrupted by this jackass who isn't listening and just wants to go back to talking about himself.
Here is a sampling of the questions he fired at me thinking he'd get a conversation going(?), learn something about me, or just irritate me:
1.) "I'm playing the stock market a lot. I'm watching a lot of "Closing Bell". You know the stock market? Yeah, you do? So what do you invest in? What you don't play the stock market? What do you do with your money? Just throw it in IRA?"
Seriously.
First of all, I have a 401K, asshole, but, second, my fucking retirement plans are NONE of your business. Also, I am allowed to know about stock market and the show, "Closing Bell", without, you know liking the stock market, playing the stock market, or having the slightest bit of interest.
(I would like to point out that in #1 above, that is pretty much how he asked questions, I would barely have time to utter an answer when he would interrupt, answer for me, and then say something idiotic)
2.) "Tell me some golden nuggets of things you've learned from men. There must be some positive experiences that you've had with men."
Seriously.
First of all, I could list MANY positive experiences I've had with men. I've been dating for 20 years. It hasn't all been bad, but why would I want to sit in the darkening, cold weather NOT drinking a glass of wine or a cocktail and tell you how much my last boyfriend taught me about oral sex? Or my very first boyfriend taught me about how to manipulate & abuse a woman? That's just not happening. I will tell you something like that maybe six months into a relationship. Maybe never. I don't talk about exes with men because no one CARES. It's the past.
(by the way, this was just an excuse for him to tell me his three golden nuggets which all seemed to involve how awesome a man he is)
3.) "I belong to some alternative websites. Some fetish websites? Have you ever heard of fetish websites? I used to hang out at fetish clubs in Hollywood? Did you ever hang out at fetish clubs in Hollywood?"
Seriously.
WHY would you tell someone this 10 minutes into her pumpkin spice latte (that she bought for herself, BUCKO!), and, once you receive the negative response, WHY would you continue to talk about this? I'm 39 years old. I'm too old to deal with fetish people, plushies & furries, smooshers, pony players. I don't care what you do with your sex life, but don't involve me in your stuff. I just want to get laid.
4.) And this was the doozy people...he asked if we could HOLD each other so he could feel my vibe. I said no. He said why. I said because I don't like to be commanded to do anything. He then waited 10 minutes, scooted his chair over to my chair, and wrapped his arms around me.
Seriously.
If you like total strangers wanting to hold you so they can gauge whether you make them hard or not, you are a better woman than I. I, personally, like to hug my friends and lovers, once I feel close to them. Hell, I'll hug a dude sitting next to me at the bar if I feel a kinship with him (and after a couple of drinks, who doesn't feel kinship?). But I do not perform on command. Much like being told to "Ask me questions", "Tell me a story" - both statements also made by this jackass, being "held" without it happening naturally is just wrong and a crossing of boundaries.
5. I don't know if my last item should be that he demanded to know 'what I am' the moment I sat down and wouldn't back off even when I asked him why it mattered or that he assured me that I was "gorgeous" in a manner of someone soothing an insecure woman which I am categorically not. While both those actions were irritating, I probably would have been able to move on and enjoyed the 3 HOURS I had to spend sitting outside the Starbucks if he had just once...once...actually listened to me.
So this is now my number one criteria when looking for a man.
He must be able to listen.
Also, he must not be a fetishist, a cheapskate, living his mother, and self-centered.
Oh, and, dude, you are not 6'1.
Not even close.
