Blue Lagoon: The Awakening
In 1980, my mother would not allow my summer babysitter to take me to see "The Blue Lagoon". Instead, she allowed her to take me to see "For Your Eyes Only" *cough*. My mother's logic was this, "You are not seeing that film."
Of course, 9 months later it was on cable and I watched it a million times, even recorded it. I love the original film for all its wonderful...awful...sexy... romantic...everything. It's tame today, but, damn, if you knew the uproar that it generated back in 1980, you would know why my mother wouldn't allow 10 year old me to see it in a theater.
I've watched the sequel (basically remake) with Milla and Brian,(I'm too lazy to go to IMDb and look up the spelling of her name), "Return to the Blue Lagoon", but I wasn't all that impressed. I read a bunch of reviews for this re-imagining which makes it sound like the YA version of "The Blue Lagoon" that I never knew I wanted to see thus... a LIVEBLOG.
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Okay, there's this establishing prologue of our heroine and hero and their respective morning routines. One likes to get up early and make her bed and be extra early for school. The other uses the snooze button, brushes his teeth, and plays video games before school.
In this film, Denise Richards plays the mother of our teenage heroine so that...must suck for her.
The extremely good-looking, rich businessman who wanted vengeance for his daughter in S1 of 'Sons of Anarchy' (Patrick St.Espirit) is playing the hero's father. This does not suck for me. Did I mention he's extremely handsome?
I think we're establishing that the heroine is a virgin, a scholar, and a "good" girl as opposed to our hero (I swear I haven't heard names yet) who is late to class and slices his lunchtime apple with a pocketknife right out of "West Side Story".
Oh, her name is Emma. Shout out to Emmeline in the original movie?
(Side note, I just happened to read a Jane Porter Harlequin Presents last night and the heroine was named Emmeline. Two Ems in one 24 hour period. This is a sign.)
Emma and "Mr. McMullen" (haven't heard a name yet) are in the same class that is taught by ... wait for it... CHRISTOPHER ATKINS.
And he looks good.
Anyway, they're going to, what sounds like The Bahamas for some sort of class humanitarian project which to me is code for partying with your classmates while doing good works. That's just me. I'm a bit cynical.
Emma is kind enough at lunch to give one of her friends her hamburger because she "only wanted the fries". This, of course, led to a completely random series of shots of the carnivorous friend scarfing her hamburger. I may just be hungry but... then this happened.
I'm sure I'm the only one who noticed, but I'm not sure even I (and I've eaten a lot of hamburgers in my 41 years) have had a hamburger that tastes good enough for me to throat my index finger. Yet.
Back to the movie though.
Frank John Hughes is Emma's father ("Wild Bill" from Band of Brothers, bitches), and he and Denise Richards don't want Emma to leave them. She's going to Princeton by the way. They name dropped that shit so we know how smart she is. Bad Boy Hero (until I hear a fucking name) doesn't want to go on the philanthropic class trip. Obviously. Rich Dad of Bad Boy Hero had to pull a bunch of strings to get him on the trip.
AHHHH!!! His name is Dean. His dad just said, "Dean! Be safe." Thanks Dad because I really didn't want to have to type Bad Boy Hero for the next 90 minutes. I mean, have you seen my 'Lambada' recap?
There's a football hero type that Emma is, I guess according to her friend, interested in. All I know is that they were getting onto a bus, I heard Caribbean music, and the next thing you know we're somewhere tropical. If you ask me, they filmed this supposedly Caribbean hotel exterior in San Diego. Just a guess. See cynical up above.
I need another glass of chablis.
There's a lot of splashing young people in the hotel's pool, and our bad boy (who I think just might be misunderstood) is watching from a balcony and staring at Emma until she notices. This is very much a YA book filmed as a Lifetime movie (this is not a bad thing). I also may be falling in love with the actor who plays Dean, but let's concentrate on the film.
The kids are working on their "Project for Humanity", Emma is Skype'ing with her parents (they must have gotten some buco ad bucks for that), and now there's a party or a Carnival or a something that these idiot girls are sneaking out for. Have these girls never heard the name, Natalee Holloway?!?!?
This is definitely some Carnival shit because a bunch of girls are wearing spangly bikinis. Hey. I've seen "Rio". I know what Carnival is. Also, the football stud seems to be grinding on someone else. Have I mentioned they are all out on a mid-sized boat and the green-screen weather looks ROUGH? I called it. Emma just spied her football stud mac'ing on some other chick. Dean was scoping them too and asked Emma if her boyfriend has a new girlfriend (maybe, I'm already exhausted by this liveblog but I soldier on - more chablis). Also a police boat has cruised up to the Carnival Fishing Boat.
Officially they are in Trinidad because I clearly heard the police boat say, "We are the Trinidad police." Also officially Emma just got thrown off the boat by the force of the Trinidad police boat anchoring close to them or something. She just sorta went head over heels over the side of the boat. Surprisingly she was standing next to a bunch of people and the only person to hear/see her fall was Dean.
Be still my beating heart.
So Dean jumped in after her and they got into a raft/dinghy. He told her to lie low so the cops didn't bust him, and they would follow in the raft/dinghy. Of course, as soon as the Carnival fishing boat and police motor'd away he realized that there was no engine on the raft. Then as Emma berated him for everything a huge wave came up and washed them away in the raft/dinghy. While the class is leaving San Diego (aka Trinidad) the next morning, Emma's best friends finally cough up that she's missing.
Dean and Emma are floating in a raft 'in the Caribbean' sparring verbally, but really they are in that pool of water in front of a green screen on the Universal lot.
Anyway, someone needs to get naked and/or have sex soon because I am bored.
Uh. Emma keeps her things organized in ZipLoc bags which makes her... me. (red faced)
Okay so they paddled and then rode a wave onto an island. Dean grabbed the flare gun and flares and now they're looking for a hotel. Emma hates insects.
Everyone's parents are upset and they're taking a red-eye to Trinidad (I think- I'm not paying attention to this).
Dean hates hiking. No, Dean hates "freaking hiking". I'm with ya, Dean. Emma finds berries.
FORESHADOWING
Dean tells Emma not to eat the berries because... "White & yellow kill a fellow. Purple & blue good for you." Is that from the book or is that something everyone knows but me? AND WHAT ABOUT RED????????
Dean and Emma find a waterfall that looks absolutely nothing like the kick ass waterfall in the original film and looks exactly like the lame fake waterfall at Disneyland's The Jungle Ride. Dean totally tries to get Emma to go for a dip in the waterfall by telling her she can write an essay for Princeton about it. When she refuses so they can continue to search for a hotel (really, honey?), he says, "SO LAME." And I fall in love with Dean just a bit more.
Dean: "See. This is why I don't hang out with people."
They walked to the other end of the island and found a cliff and water. They must have filmed this in Hawaii, right?
Emma: "We haven't seen a single road." Personally, I bet you're regretting not getting naked in the waterfall with Dean. That could just be me.
DEAN KNOWS HOW TO MAKE A FIRE, YOU GUYS. Which means he pulled a Zippo lighter out of his pants pocket. Did I mention that he jumped into the ocean after Emma about 15 minutes ago? Also his phone that was in his pocket was waterlogged? Are Zippo lighters impervious to water?
Dean finds a cave which is filled with bats so no go and when they head back to the raft/dinghy they moored they discover there's no raft/dinghy any longer. Dean is really upset by this. He also keeps calling the raft "a boat" which in my family is a no-no. You never call a ship a boat, and you never call a raft/dinghy a boat. I'm assuming this is because my dad was in The Navy. He spent my entire fucking childhood correcting me on these distinctions.
Emma's talking about flares and flare guns and books about girls who sail around the world with their cats. Dean and I seriously cannot be bothered to pay attention to this blonde twit. It's hard to believe this Dean guy is unpopular. My god, he is gorgeous. Also, he just stripped and jumped in the ocean for a swim. *fanning myself*
The parents made their way to Trinidad and bitch slapped Chris Atkins. They also found time for another blatant Skype placement when they called Emma's sister back home. Dean and Emma have made a shelter, bonded over granola bars, and discovered why she's "really" attending Princeton (her parents).
Someone is having sex on this island, right? *pouring another glass of chablis*
Emma made a huge S.O.S. sign and has now resorted to walking around in her bikini bottoms while Dean has somehow magically cut off the bottom half of his khakis to construct really tight shorts. They shared a coconut. There's a lot of banana eating (not making this up), a lot of shelter constructing, a lot of ogling Emma in her string bikini, and a lot of flirting in this montage.
Dean no longer wears a shirt at all making this movie 90% better in my estimation. Emma misses her parents, her little sister, her fish, the smell of her sheets when the come out of the dryer. Also the Zippo lighter is out of gas. Bummer. Dean likes to watch the sunsets by the way. He won't tell Emma why. Just that the reason that he watches sunset is stupid.
How come everyone misses their sheets? Why not your favorite blanket or pillow or nightgown? Sheets are too easy.
They found a skeleton on the beach. Emma is freaked out. To console her Dean tells her that people are looking for her and that they have each other adorably.
"You know what else. We got each other, and that's something right there, Prom Queen. We're going to be okay. Nothing bad is going to happen."
Then he kisses her which I have to tell you, honestly, would totally convince me to stay on this fucking island forever... with him.
AND THEN...
Please note the pile of clothes next to their topless bodies. Also the fire which means that someone learned how to make a fire since the Zippo lighter is empty.
Of course, she woke up alone.
Of course.
Even on a fucking deserted island, a man can't spend the night, right?
HE'S PUSHING HER AWAY, YOU GUYS.
"We had sex once. We're stuck on an island. We're not soul mates."
Obviously, this has now become less a Lifetime telefilm and more a re-enactment of every morning after I have made love to a man. That's a blog for another day though.
*breathing out*
Um, shit got real.
So he is totally cruel to her the morning after he has taken her precious prom queen innocence. She found him digging a grave for the skeleton they found, and it turns out through much self-reflection and waterfall swimming (don't ask) that poor Dean blames himself for his mother's death. He didn't go to her funeral because he thought everyone would blame him because she was driving him home from soccer practice. The car crashed, etc.
I told you all that he was misunderstood. I get bonus points for picking up on subtext.
And just for good measure...he's even more beautiful wet.
There's a montage to a sweet song of Dean and Emma dancing in the rain. There's a lily involved. I can't even be snarky. It made me smile.
Okay, we're back home (I don't even know where home is) but Rick whatshisname (formerly of KCBS, now on KTLA) is reporting outside their high school that the search has been called off. Denise Richards and Patrick St. Espirit are still looking for their children though no one else is (wouldn't the State Department be involved?) Dean's dad thinks maybe that Emma's mom should go home. I mean it's been a month.
If I'm ever lost at sea with a really attractive man or, you know, DEAN, I hope to God my mother knows me well enough to just say, "She's good. Don't even bother with the search party."
*cough*
There's a nice scene with Emma & Dean watching the sunset and he tells her that he watches because his mom told him to look for the green flash. He's still never seen it. He reassures Emma that they will be okay. Therein follows a very long montage in water that culminates in more sex (yay!).... in the afterglow Emma asks (among other things)...
Emma: Have you been shaving? You have, like, almost no beard.
Dean: Okay. First of all, BITE ME. Second of all, it'll get heavier, I hope.
I love this film. I really do.
They have a very YA conversation about how they both watched each other at school, blah blah blah. Emma tells Dean he's her first. They then proceed to hit it again. I have no idea who these two young actors are except that they are both Australian, but they need to immediately star in every YA romance I've ever read. They have a lot of chemistry. I am charmed. I am too old to be charmed right?
Sigh.
Alright. A plane goes by and this leads to the eventual discovery that not only is the flare gun missing but all of Emma's plastic bottles in her Ziploc bags. Dean doesn't believe that anything is actually missing. They have, in essence, their first fight.
And then, I don't really understand what happened. Dean and Emma were snapping at each other. Then Dean went off in search of "the noise in the jungle". Then there was a panther. I've had a lot to drink but... am I imagining this???
Can I just say that I like panthers more when George Sanders is voicing them.
ETA: It totally just hit me (16 hours later) that George Sanders was the tiger not the panther. Sebastian Cabot was the panther. I find myself hilarious. Also, I'm talking about "The Jungle Book".
Um, Emma finds Dean in the jungle with blood on his mouth and torso and a stuffed black cat next to him.
I need to provide pictures of this. It's that good.
This is so YA paranormal and so totally non-canon to this movie. I LOVE IT.
Okay, I think maybe what just happened here is that Dean saved her from the panther that's been stalking and stealing her plastic bottles and his flare gun for a month. I write this because she and he are in the waterfall, and she's tenderly washing his back (the blood is on his mouth, honey).
I'm so incredibly happy I decided to watch this tonight. It's cheered me up immensely.
There's another montage (I think we're up to 6 montages now-I'm not keeping track really) but here it is: kids in Christopher Atkin's class; Emma picking the 'good' (I'm assuming) berries; Emma's mother back home buying blueberries (PARALLEL); Emma and Dean tightening joists with watered palms (someone taught them how to construct a roof? OH WAIT - they were building a house in Trinidad for 'Project Humanity - Oh my god, this film makes sense!); Dean's dad stares sadly at Dean's bed and motorcycle helmet (not sure why because he drove like an SUV at the beginning of the film); Dean and Emma are trying to spear fish; Emma's sister is staring at Emma's fish in their aquarium (ALLEGORY); and then it's just Dean and Emma making love in the ocean; making love in the waterfall (I'm not complaining); her friends back home preparing for PROM 2012; her mom packing up her clothes (!); and then, finally, Dean and Emma watching the sunset and they see the green flash and they make love again.
I don't see the green flash but bring on every montage you possibly can, Lifetime, I'll live blog the shit out of it.
Montage over, back to serious film business. Emma is sick to her stomach and Dean questions if she's pregnant which I'm glad he did because these two have been hitting it a lot. Anyway, after snuggling over what they are missing back home, etc... a Capuchin (I think?) monkey starts throwing their shit from the tree above them including the flare gun.
So it wasn't the panther that stole the bottles of aloe vera after all. This is a relief to me although it really then just means there was panther in the jungle the whole time stalking Emma until Dean killed him with his bare hands? Oh with the panther.
Emma: "Come on, little guy. I'll trade you a banana for the gun."
Monkey: "Okay, I'll thrown down the flare gun." (I'm translating this from monkey speak.)
<Monkey throws the flare gun down>
Dean: He didn't take his banana.
Dean actually did say that. No joke.
So Emma fires the flare gun in the air to Dean's consternation. Dean doesn't understand why she wants to go back. Emma doesn't understand why he doesn't want to go back.
Emma: Crazy is thinking we can survive for more than a year on this stupid island.
Dean: We're going to make a life here, Em. It's going to be better I promise. No noise. I meant what's so good out there anyway?
(personally I'm with Dean on this... I would give up EVERYTHING to be somewhere with only ambient noise)
Emma says something really mean at this point which I'm not going to quote because it even hurt my feelings. A helicopter magically shows up after the flare gun is returned. The two of them both work at being noticed and The Prom Queen gets to shoot off the flare again.
Before you know it Dean and Emma are disembarking from a plane all sun-kissed and lovely. Dean takes Emma's hand and....
She lets go of his hand when she sees her family in the airport terminal, and Dean is devastated.
Then there's a whole high school thing where she wants him to be part of her "popular" life and he just wants to be with her alone like on the island. This may be a generalization of a few scenes because in reality what happened was there was ANOTHER FUCKING MONTAGE.
Somehow we end up on prom night and you get the feeling Emma and Dean have not talked in a long, long while. Apropos of nothing except one line at the very beginning of this telefilm, Emma's sister is complaining about how awesome life was when everyone thought Emma was dead (I think someone's little sister needs a drink).
Dean goes to his mother's grave and tells her he saw the "green flash". He also apologizes for not being at the funeral. He buried a couple centuries old skeleton though. Cut him some slack, Mom!
Emma is at the prom in a white dress (not sure why because as we all know she's no longer a virgin), and Dean is at home watching hockey when his father offers to loan him his tux???There is a moment here when I'm thinking Emma does not deserve Dean.
AT ALL.
This boy will come to the prom in the pouring rain for you. It's raining for some reason. I don't know why. It's a Lifetime movie. Leave me alone.
Okay, let's put bitterness aside and recap.
Dean: Wanna dance, Prom Queen?
Emma: I'm not the Prom Queen. Never wanted to be. I'm just a girl.
Dean: Wanna dance, Girl?
This ending made me smile. It makes absolutely no sense at all really. I mean Emma should have been the one to throw off her trappings and bring him back to life. Not that I've put a lot of thought into this, but it just seems obvious what the ending should have been. Instead it was a prom happy ending. I liked it. I just think it could have been more.
Phew.
Final Thoughts.
- Not to be over excited but the two lead actors were really good. No lie. It wouldn't have worked without the two of them. Aside from lust for Brenton Thwaites (dude, really?), I even enjoyed Miss Indiana Evans. I understand that both are Australian but their American accents were flawless.
- I liked that this movie paid token homage to the original BL (the skeleton, the knee injury, the baby talk, Dean calling Emma 'Em') I know it was subtle, but I picked up on it and appreciated it.
- I'm still not sure what the panther or monkey thing was about but it freaking provided some great nonsensical recapping!
- WHAT ABOUT THE BERRIES????? I can't believe they included a berry scene and then never delivered on its promise.
- This is going to be one of those films (telefilms, TV episodes, whatever) that ends differently than what I've seen. Only in my mind of course, but for me this love story would have ended at her welcome home party when she threw aside her friends in order to be with Dean.
-Not that I've thought a lot about this film.
-But that's the ending I would have written.
-I might have also written that they both eat the berries at prom to avoid having to live without the island. That's the dark ending.
So not as bad as "Lambada", not as good as the original "Blue Lagoon" (but what is?), and I made it through alive. I need another drink though.
